Just a few hours ago I had a "Come to Jesus Moment" as my beautiful companion Sister Waters calls it. It is that moment when you realize that you are going through something and you are finally coming to terms with it and talk about without feeling weak or insecure. These past few days I found myself doubting every reason for being out here. I was doubting my ability to teach and I felt like I wasn't being myself. I honestly had never felt so out of my comfort zone. I found myself longing for my old life and my own friends. Talking about my past life with people here wasn't hard or painful but afterwards I would find myself longing for those memories. I wanted to be in a studio practicing pirouettes or holding sparklers at my friends' weddings. I felt like everyone else was moving on and I was at a constant, but as I was wrapped in my sky blue blanket, I realized something. I had met people here that I never would have met back home. I am attempting to make more life long friendships. I started thinking about the laughs that I had out here and I realized these were good memories. I am living my life right now and I will be able to tell my friends and family back home about the amazing moments that I am living right now. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom to wipe of any smudged make-up, and I revealed my problems to Sister Waters. She has been out longer than me, but I was so thankful that she had gone through the same exact thing when she first came out. I expected to get a "suck it up" like I do to myself, but she let me know that I needed to experience this so I can grow and move on. She told me that the easy thing is going home. And it really is so easy to say, "You know what, this isn't for me. I'm going home." But who would benefit from that. I know my mother would be so sad to see me give up and I know I would regret it. Sister Waters let me know that Christ wasn't exempt from heartache. When he was suffering for us, there was a time when God wasn't with him. I'm not sure if I had felt completely alone, but Christ experienced that emptiness that we sometimes feel. I know I will have more trials than just missing my past life, but forgetting myself and serving others will make me full. I know it. My dear friends, I am not perfect. I trip over air and I forget things almost instantly sometimes, but I am so thankful to have not only people in this life that help me see my true potential, be a Heavenly Father that loves and cares for me. I am so happy to have made it this far. Who knows what next transfer has in store! If you have any advice on how you dealt with insecurities please let me know. I love you all and even though you aren't there physically, I can feel your support and prayers. Thank you.
You beautiful girl you!! I loved this post. Man alive!! I know how you feel!!!! I missed my friends, I missed BOYS!!!! Man, I missed dating and kissing and all that good stuff. I missed music and my independent life from before. I was blessed with great companions to help me through it and it sounds like you have too.
ReplyDeleteI had 2 major identity crises on my mission. One shortly after beginning and one shortly before going home. The first was this who am I? What defines me now? experience. I used to have things like my style and music and friends and hobbies to set me apart and define who I was, but on a mission.. you are stripped of almost everything. It is a time when truly every trivial thing is taken away from you and you are left bare. You really find out who you are and you can decide who you want to be, too. And then work to make yourself into that person. I loved it!! When I realized that I could forget for a year and a half about exteriors and just work on the core, my character, it was huge for me. Those Christlike attributes became my favorite thing to study. I wanted to develop them as much as possible.
I have a friend that described being on a mission like being on one of those game shows where you have a certain limited amount of time to stand in the glass box and money is falling all around you and blowing around and you have that time to grab as much of it as possible and you get to keep whatever you grab. It is so true. You have this weird short period of time that you can grab unlimited blessings from Heavenly Father, and it's up to you. And you get to keep whatever you grab. The Christlike attributes you develop, the friendships you make with companions, the incredible spiritual experiences, personal revelation, wise counsel from a mission president and visiting general authorities, etc. Grab onto it! Get as much as you can. Stuff it in your bra!!!! (jk) And then you get to take all of that home with you.
It can be so hard to let go. But it is true, that when we lose ourselves, we find ourselves. And we find a new self that is awesome and way stronger and cooler than we ever thought we could be! And then the second identity crises comes, when you are heading home. And you realize how much you've changed. And how pure your heart is, and how sensitive to the Spirit you've become. And you are terrified to go home and go back to your old life, your old friends, old ways. I started to worry how I was going to maintain my new found spirituality and self surrounded by the world again. And it is a weird adjustment into home/non mission life again. Not terrible, just weird and sometimes hard. But wonderful, because you can dance and swim and drive alone! Woohoo! Haha..
You are so wonderul. I love reading your blog. I apologize for not writing yet. I will get on it!!! Love you.
Lindsay, I can not tell you how much your comments have helped me! Thank you for always encouraging me! I love you dearly! Write me Whenever is good for you!! I will try to grab as many blessings as I can (and stuff it) haha!!
DeleteAlso I can't tell you enough how grateful I am to have you in my life! You insight has truly helped me press on in this work! I love you Lindsay!! Oh... and I love the hair!!
DeleteFirst off Sister Neufville, you ROCK! You are the sweetest thang. This hurts my heart that you are having such a hard time right now. You are pretty darn good at hiding it. You always have the most beautiful smile on your face.
ReplyDeleteSo I never served a mission in the mission field but I have moved around a lot. in my life and have struggled and continue to struggle with things. I remember when I first brought Jada home from the hospital, between the hormone changes, recovering from a c-section and lack of sleep, I was having a really hard time adjusting to motherhood. I remember coming to the realization that I now have this little life that I have to look after. I can't be just selfish me anymore. I couldn't just walk out the door and leave when I wanted. I had to prepare my diaper bag full of everything I would possibly need while I was out and I couldn't leave at any old time because it might mess with her sleeping and food schedule. I also didn't sleep through the night because I would have to get up and feed her at least twice a night. Oh how I yearned for those days when I didn't have someone else dictating every minute of my life. But I realized is that if I kept yearning for the past then I couldn't grow where I was now. (You know the saying, Bloom where you are planted) I felt like this was what I need to focus on. I needed to nurture my role as a new mother and enjoy this little gift that God had given me instead of focusing on the things I was missing. I look back over 8 years later and I can see how much I've grown. I now have 3 beautiful kids,that drive me crazy at times but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I think everyone struggles in their lives with the question, Am I good enough? The ANSWER is YES you are! Jesus died for you because he knew you were worth it. Just as we discussed with Shell recently, sometimes you have to reach your lowest low to really appreciate your highest highs. It sounds to me that you are in one of your "valley moments" and you need to start climbing back of that mountain. Focus on those that you are serving around you and not yourself. Pray for the strength you need to get through the rough patches that will come your way. You are a daughter of a Heavenly King and your father is there to listen to your woes. When you return home you will be a much more mature and spiritual person. You will be able to deal with things better and have more compassion for people because of your experiences on a mission. I know that during this short time that I have known you, my life has been blessed. I know we will be life long friends. Just keep your chin up beautiful lady! I here for you when you need a pep talk. Love you!
Sister Stacey, I love you so much! You are such a spiritual powerhouse and that inspires me! Your kids love you so much and it is because you set the perfect example for them! Thank you for your comment! It is meeting people like you out here that reminds me that I have made the right decision coming out here! I love you so much and thank you for reading my blog! I can't wait to come over on Thursday! I still need that grits and greens recipe ;)!!
DeleteI got those recipes printed out for both you and Sister Waters. Josh will bring them to you on Tuesday for y'alls meeting. Love you! See you on Thursday! Here are the links to them just in case you lose them on your mission:
Deletehttp://www.justapinch.com/recipes/main-course/pasta/creole-mac-cheese.html?p=1
http://www.justapinch.com/recipes/appetizer/cheese-appetizer/cranberry-orange-cheese-ball-with-carmalized-pecans.html?p=1#
http://www.justapinch.com/recipes/side/vegetable/grits-and-greens-casserole-2.html?p=2 Now this is my friends Debbie's version. I printed y version out on paper for you but this is just a back up copy just in case.